God please take the reigns, i cant do this anymore.
September 2010
8 posts
why?
i don’t understand. why is it that the one man that every little girl looks up to, the one who is always supposed to be there for you, always supposed to love you, is abandoning me? i’ve already lost my mom, and now he’s almost gone. thanks for being that knight in shining armor dad, it’s great knowing you there for me :p
is it strange that i receive more love and support from his girlfriend than i do from him? is it strange that i receive more love and support from my boyfriend than i do from him? i am so blessed to have them.
i can’t believe how crappy our relationship has become. one day i’m 5 years old, cradled in his arms, looking up at the stars. the next day i’m an adult in college, and we hardly even talk. when we do, it’s nothing but sharp bitter words. my only hope is that things get better. i want my dad back.
whelp. time for a massive change. tomorrow marks the start of a new journey. tomorrow i mail the credit card back home. tomorrow i go to financial aid and see how i can support myself here. tomorrow i start looking for a job. tomorrow… tomorrow i am overwhelmed.
dear sir, you’ve been blessed with another chance. don’t screw up again. if you hurt her one more time, i will personally come to you and make sure that you’re incapable of hurting her or any other female ever again. that is all.
hmm.
why do i keep acting like this? jealousy is slapping me in the face again and again and again, and i just sit there and let it happen. i’ve got to gain control. she’s just a stupid girl. sure she liked him a lot while he had a girlfriend. sure they used to hang out a lot. sure she’s pretty. but she has a boyfriend now. and he has me. he never liked her, and now hardly considers them friends. i need to get over this. i need to stop hating on this girl i don’t even know. i need to get over this. even though she has a dorky boyfriend and still probably likes mine, i need not worry. he gave me his heart, and that’s something she can never touch.
once more i will try attempt to walk through biola without my other half. it’s managable, but not pleasant. after two weeks of subconsciously feeling like something was wrong, something was missing, God blessed me with some of the best four days i’ve known. things finally made sense again, and i slipped easily back into the old familiar patterns. i already know that her visit will be one of the highlights of this year. saying goodbye today was difficult, as it always is. and continuing through the school year without her by my side will be a challenge. but living through one year of college arm-in-arm with her has prepared me to face whatever comes my way this year. and maybe, just maybe, 2011 will bring her back, and with her that one smile that only forms when we’re together. but until then, i’ll just enjoy the memories:)
at last.
this feels so right. so normal. so familiar. thank you God for this huge blessing.
